JON* & JORis*** West
*NVSH** Werkgroep JORis***
“Although humans are able to the worst, they are also able to rise above themselves, te make new choices and make a new start, despite of their mental and social conditioning”
- Pope Franciscus
This is version two, in which the English is corrected by a native English speaking member.
Imagine you are only fifteen ...
… (on average) and perceive that you still are attracted to twelve year olds. Everyone in your class has a lover, but no girl in your class and age attracts you. Then, ‘the big word’ pops up in your mind: Am I a perhaps a pedophile? A Dutroux? A Robert M. [*]
[* ]A Dutch perpetrator who has abused many very young children.
You are already 22 years (on average) when you tell this for the first time to someone else: thus, after seven years lonely worrying … The first two people hear this, might be your mother and a friend. Mothers! She does accept your feelings – and your father follows her in this respect.
For those averages: see
You find a group in which you can talk about this. In this group, you say: “I am glad that my parents accept me … but now I still have to going to accept myself …”
That group is one of the encounter groups of JORis, you have discovered on the Internet. Yes, there you can speak safely and freely. There is no judgement, let alone a conviction; there are questions and there are people who tell you how they have learned to live with those feelings, and that this is really possible. They add to it: “Yes, first you have to accept yourself.”
They tell you that the road can be very long. Someone of your age tells you that he has reached this point within one year. You find people of your age, whith whom you may normally socialize, who frees you from your isolation and your lonely worrying.
These young people tell us that they get the most support from each other. How? By having heavy discussions? No, by chilling. One of our young members deserves a prize because he was able to prevent the suicide of an age mate. By having heavy discussions? No, by chilling.
What is and how works JORis?
The coordinators of both groups, all NVSH members, form the “NVSH Workgroup JORis” (see here above), under the umbrella of the national board of the NVSH. The coordinators organize the two encounter groups, the members of which do not have to be NVSH members. The workgroup reports to the members assembly and the board of the national NVSH.
The group manages its own finances. Since 2017, the NVSH subsidizes the group subsidy, thereby expressing its appreciation for the work of JORis.
Connected to both groups are professional therapists and counselors, who offer help to members who ask for it. They also may advise their clients to participate in the groups.
Those who want to join the group are invited to a personal meeting with the central coordinator. “Personal”, that means: with the real name, address and identity document. During the meeting, the first interview, the coordinator listens with great attention to the person, without any judgment. They discuss together if the person is able to function within a group, or might have better individual contact with a coordinator, a member or a therapist, or might join a smaller subgroup, or starts with interviews for a married couple.
Since 2016, it is possible to use a nick name in the group, if the real data are known by the coordinator.
Members and Meetings
Both encounter groups have now, at the end of 2017, 35 participants. At the moment more than ten other people (sometimes together with their partner) have (also) individual contact. The same is true of candidate members who (still) do not dare to join a group. Alltogether about fifty people have been contacted who, we hope, feel or will feel a kind of assistance.
Both encounter groups meet once each month in a living room or a living room style room, from 03:00 o clock to 9:00 a clock PM (or later). Depending on the number of people present, we can form one group or divide into two or more subgroups.
These group meetings are structured and lead by coodinators, but there is always, before, after the meeting and during a pause and a dinner, time for self-chosen mutual contact, which may be only sociable. The topics spoken about may be everything, or even ‘nothing’. We may report that both encounter groups have functioned quite good during this year 2017.
The group West has, on request of the younger members, chosen to give time for themes, discussion, opinions; this allows for the priority of the personal stories, but with more interaction. Especially our young members feel that the group sessions are heavy. Older members say that this is unavoidably. Partly, the more ‘heavy’ topics are dealt with by individual contacts with the coordinators. Both groups has such a team of coordinators.
There are professional therapists and counselors connected to both groups. Two of them have decided to wuthdraw year, still without replacement.
(1) A female therapist who felt that her clients constantly blamed society for their problems and were nit willing enough to look critically at themselves.
The central coordinator functions, if needed, also as a professional and certificated therapist. Just at the end of 2017, a married couple, both certificated counselors, has joint the team of the professional counselors. They especially may lead interviews with married couples.
A special meeting was held by the coordinators of East (JON) and West, together with our professionals. The topics were our methodology and some problems that are encountered in in both groups.
Next year we will do the same, with some other new insiders and experts, in particular two professors.
In previous annual reports (2016 A and 016 B) we have presented several themes, dealt with during the encounter sessions. This year, we tried another approach. Some problems or topics are discreetly dealt whith on the individual level, or only lightly and anonymously within the groups.
Who does not (or no more) take part in the groups
All members start with an individual interview with the central coordinator. Not all of them actually join a group. For them, a group is scary. They sometimes join the group after some years, if ever. The central coordinator manages these contacts with who still not dares to enter a group.
There are also people who left the group in which they participated. Some of them say: ‘Well, thank you, I will find my way’. For other people, the main motive is that they feel the group sessions as too heavy. “All those stories … I cannot sleep afterwards …” Some of them leave completely, others maintain individual contact.
What is scary? The fact that other people can see you, hear you and ask you questions; the fact that the group asks you to tell your personal story, narrative – usually not a cheerful narrative. You are vulnerably, you might show your weak side. You might feel shame and guilt.
Especially young people experience the meetings as heavy. Older members say: this is unavoidable. These heavy topics are partially dealt with through individual contacts.
Indeed, it is not a billiards club … It is not easy to discover that you have pedophile feelings, and, within our current society not easy to live legally, socially and hopefully a bit happy with those feelings.
Those pedophilic feelings – “How can I live with that?” – the long way to self-acceptation (“There is a monster within me …”), overcoming feelings of shame, being able to live with fear (“Oh! Once someone might discover that …” and searching for a responsible way of living.
This does not detract from the fact that there are also candidates and members who do not have these problems. They are, where possible, selectively open; they have contacts and are reasonably happy.
This does not work out for everybody, so we might conclude even during the first interview that there may be more at hand.
Several people enter with a history of problems and helpers, thus with diagnoses – often plural – and frequently with medication. They tell us about “a pill shrink” and say that they have not found a good “talk shrink” (“I could not completely tell my story there”) or they were quickly sent to the ambulant forensic psychiatric institutions. Once there, so we often hear, albeit not always, they feel themselves only approached “as a (potential) criminal”.
There may be more at hand, there exist secondary problems: depression, suicidal thoughts, (heavy) autism, neuroses, adhesion problems, border line, psychosis, addiction – and more.
These problems are not inherently connected with pedophilic feelings, but, in our current society, the may disappear in combination with it (they are comorbide). We do not know what is cause and what is result, or both – or random.
These problems are not inherently connected with pedophilic feelings, but, in our current society, they may disappear in combination with it (they are comorbide). We do not know what is cause and what is result, or both – or random.
Yes, sometimes quite heavy. Therefore, we offer individual contact, in addition to or instead of the group, as well as professional therapists and counselors.
The practical side
Both JORis groups are financially independent. Membership is free of charge. In West, a bowl is passed for the costs of the dinner and the group; in East a hat goes round for the group and a cap for the cook. Coordinators may declare their traveling costs; members may receive subsidy or compensation for their traveling costs. Our (living) rooms are free.
This year, the NVSH has given both groups a subsidy, thereby expressing appreciation for our work; also because the travelling costs are growing, as the number of individual contacts, are increase.
A part of this subsidy was meant for a small volunteer fee for ‘our man in the North’. There seems to be much depression there.
This man has retired in August 2017 and has moved to another country. The NVSH has given the remaining funds to us as a project subsidy, meant to able the central coordinator to buy study books. New research results have appeared concerning the list of secondary problems given here above, thus new knowledge and insight. Just think of something like the autistic spectrum. To mention only the book with all diagnoses, DSM-5R, which costs 113 euros.
Skipped are here: the financial reports 2017 of both groups.
2017 was the year of “#MeToo”, at least the end of it. Millions of people, mostly women, have told how they are approached, intimately or worse, mostly by men. Among those stories are also phrases as “I was only 11/12/13 years”. We surely know now how heavy a secret can be, often in silence uphold during many years.
There have also been investigations into unwished intimacy within the Catholic Church, other religions, youth care, the army and the sports world.
We, humanity, clearly must (learn to) better live with sexuality; also with aggression. How?
This ‘control yourself’ is just the ethic of the JORis groups, including: Accept your (pedophilic), emotions that a human may have, as a fact – not as an identity – and act well: control yourself.
What happened to our young men in his twenties, with whom we opened this report? Sooner or later, he reached the point of self-acceptation, and gradually he found a way of living, legally, socially, and even a bit happyli. Members in their thirties or forties, maybe in their mid-life crisis, as well as older people also have found that way.
How many people in their twenties or teens are still walking around? Let us reach out a hand to them.
They are no ‘offenders’ and they surely do not want to ever become a perpetrator. They do not recognize themselves in a ‘treatment’ that approaches them as a potential offender. They need to be approached as ‘non-offenders’ – thus a methodology and an underlying theory and vision on the human, quite different from the now current offender treatment. We have described this methodology here, in our former reports (2016 A and 2016 B) and in
This is possible in the JORis groups, a zero-line supply, even free of charge.
Their narrative may be told, as well as the narrative of the JORis groups:
& JORis West